Photograph Title: RavenStone

This picture was taken on a foggy monday morning.

I remember driving in this cemetery and I spotted these 2 birds playing on this monument and thinking to myslef.

"dancing on the doorsteps of death."

Ive been ready or at least thought I was ready for the death several times in my life. But i know now that there are important things that I havet to do first. So instead of waiting for death, I will dance on the doorsteps.


When I was 14 I believe, I locked myself in the bathroom and decided I wanted to end my life. I wasnt trying to get attention, I truly didnt care if I lived or died and I was okay with that. My short life had taken such a toll on my mind and body, it just seemed the better way, the easier way. We moved every 6 months to new places, there might have been a year that we stayed in one place but not often. Friends werent exactly in the agenda. Why make friends when you will be leaving shortly? Being a new kid in school was always hard espeacially when your carrying a huge load of secerts on your back, your not gonna be the open type. So the bulling and names was something I would never beable to avoid. So when I was closer to 13 I believe, it might have been 12 . I started starving myself. It wasnt about being fat or thinking I was fat. It was the only thing in my life I could control. Everything around me was falling apart, my home, my relationships with family, my mom wasnt the best at listening or understanding.
This is the one thing I could stop,the one thing I could enjoy of my punishment for existing. I really dont remember the start of it. It just happened over time and slowly became to eating at the most 6 spoonfulls of something. If I noticed anyone was catching on of course I would just suck it up and eat enough to show I was okay, but of course I made myself pay for it later.
I started rambling, but I just wanted to point out a few other reasons for attempted suicide.
I remember I had the phone in the bathroom with me just in case anyone called, my mother wouldnt be disturbed and start looking for me. I took pills, I cant remember what I took but it was alot, at least I thought it would be enough to do the job. After I swallowed the pills, I was sitting in the corner. Praying for God to forgive me, if there was a God. My uncle kinda shattered my belief system. I dont think I ever lost the belief but it was diffentely questioned in so many ways.
The phone was ringing, I would hang it up real quick. I didnt want anyone to know. I just wanted to go and I didnt think about after I left this world behind. About the 10th call I decided to answer, anything to make the phone stop before my mother would start wandering around trying to find out what was going on. It was my older sister, I remember her asking me a question," J are you ok?" Then at that moment my tongue had decieved me and my soul. I started crying and I told her what I did. She wanted to talk to my mom and I wouldnt let her, because at this point I was ashamed at what I almost accomplished. The next thing I remember is my Aunt and my mom beating on the bathroom door trying to get in, the whole time Im just up against the wall, terrified of what was behind that door, terrified of what could be coming to me at anytime. In that instance I realized I wasnt a quieter, I didnt want to die. I ran for the door and we headed for the hospital. Later that night they sent me to a "mental" hospital I cant remember how long I was there for but I know it felt like it was forever. I had to always have a nurse with me when I went to the bathroom and when I ate. Because to them they thought that this was my only problem. I did not dare speak of my uncle and his actions.



When I was 7 months pregnant I went in for a doctor visit, and within 30 min. I was in the hospital with tubes and needles coming out of my body. I had preeclampia, hypertension, severe toxima. My child was going to be born within the week they told me. They wanted to keep the baby inside my stomach as long as possiable, without danger to me or the baby.
I had to stay on my right side. This was the only way my blood pressure would come down to 115(the bottom number.) Yes thats high, but for the circumstances it was low. When I would move or if someone talked to me it would spike to 130. It had to be total darkness in my room also.
The next morning, I started having heartburn, at least thats what it felt like. I also started losing my vision. So they decided that it was best for the baby to come that day. I remember laying on my side, darkness in the room darkness in my head, pain running through my body. I was praying to God to just let me die, save my baby. I was begging, I couldnt believe that I was giving up that easy, but if one of us had to go I wanted to be the one. They rolled me in the operating room straping my head and hands down. I remember the brightness but I couldnt see anything. I could hear people around me talking. I felt the knife at my stomach and I realized that my husband was not there with me. They told me that he couldnt be back there because of the things they had to do to the baby, they didnt want him to react in a way that would prevent saving it.
They pulled this baby out. I heard it cry and it was the sweetest sound that my ears have ever heard. In that moment I realized that it might be the last sound of this stranger . In that split second, my emotions did a 180. I didnt care anymore, I didnt want to see, I didnt want to touch. My whole self went numb.
After a week in my hospital, my vision was slowly coming back, my speech was more tolerable. I was finally allowed to go across town to the other hospital to see my daughter.
When I walked in, my husband was standing beside her bed. They rolled me to her. Nothing, I felt nothing, my husband tried to get me to talk to her and touch her. I didnt, there was no draw to her, I felt nothing. Oh man did this scare me. I was suppose to want my child, to hold her to cry for her.There was nothing, no emotion what so ever. I had only 30 min. before I had to go back to my hospital.
When I was finally released for good, I went to my baby. They gave me a room to stay in while she stayed in the nicu. Yes finally that connection was there. The only explanation I have for my feelings. Once she was taken from my body and I realized that I was okay. That I was going to survive this. I new that she would be the one to leave this world. That first cry I heard shut every part of my emotions down. I really believe that my mind was preparing me for a loss, and the only way I new how to do that was to be distant. As long as I wasnt close or felt her then there would be no way this would hurt me. I thank GOD that she did not leave us. Looking at how I handled it, It would have destroyed me. Instead of accepting a possiable few hours I decided to have none.
I was selfish In both Pleas with God!

U2: Walk On

And love is not the easy thing

The only baggage you can bring...

And love is not the easy thing...

The only baggage you can bring

Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart

And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off

And if your glass heart should crack

And for a second you turn back

Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on

What you got they can�t steal it

No they can�t even feel it

Walk on, walk on...

Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been

A place that has to be believed to be seen

You could have flown away

A singing bird in an open cage

Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on

What you've got they can't deny it

Can�t sell it, can�t buy it

Walk on, walk on

Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches

And your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on Home...

hard to know what it is if you�ve never had one

Home... I can�t say where it is but I know I'm going home

That's where the hurt is

I know it aches

How your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind

All that you reason

All that you sense

All that you speak

All you dress up

All that you scheme...