I must take the scenic route to the right pathe ;)

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau

Ok so the last 3 years of my life have been nothing but uphill battles and downward spirals.
I believe even though my circumstances could have been a little more short lived or just completely avoided, it was my purpose to "walk through the fire" so to speak.
  In recent months people have told me to "find myself" or "you need to learn to be alone"
I have takin the last 2 or 3 months to really think about these comments, to figure out if I really knew myself, if Im NOT ok with being alone and I have come to the conclusion.......
I know myself, I know what Im capable of, I know what my weaknesses are, I know my strengths, my likes and dislikes. I think what people see is that everything I go through in my life my eyes open to a new direction a new way of thinking.. isnt this whole "living" thing is about?

"The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life."  ~Muhammad Ali

I know Im completely random, I also know that Im a "fly by seat of my pants" type person. Do I think its a healthy way of living? Yes, as long as there is balance. Yes, I lost all balance these past few months. I fell flat on my face. Why? Because Im stubborn and Im a helper not a helpee. I believe my lesson in that is, Yes, its wonderful to be strong, to not let the weight of your circumstances effect your day to day life. But at some point you must ask for a hand to lift it off your shoulder. Pride is horriable thing and Pride will kill you faster than a person pulling a trigger.

Being alone, no Im not afraid of being alone. Alot of people seem to forget most of my life has been spent being alone. One of the reasons why at such a young age I became a introvert. Yes, throughout my life I had people beside me, physically but never really have allowed someone to get close to me to where they "know me better than myself" The last year has shown me that no, I dont want to be the "loner" anymore. I want to share my thoughts and my feelings. I want to pull people in not push them away for fear of being hurt. After my divorce I believe I dove into a relationship way too fast. Turned out to be the most TOXIC relationship I could ever imagine.. I was so alone in that, of course I made myself be alone, I put up with it all. Even though someone was physically there emotionally he was checked out. I was a babysitter, punching bag, mental toy. I was alone. In all aspects of the word. So, no I have no issues or fears of being alone. Im just tired of the feeling, the absense of having a true companion. I dont think that makes me fearful of "alone" It makes me a person who knows what she wants, whos not afraid of heartache when honestly she should be declaring to never allow another soul within 1000 miles of her heart or mind.

I know Im a work in progress... as we all are.. I know my faults... as we all should... I will always strive to better those faults.. as we all should. With all that said, I know who I am.. I know where Ive been... I know where Im headed... I know where Ill never be again.

"There's a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside."  ~Pearl Bailey

Forgiveness?

I was asked a question today " if you died right now, heaven or hell?"
My answer- Heaven- the response, "if we did something sinful and both died before asking forgiveness would your answer be the same?"

Heres my thoughts-
Romans 5:12- just as through (Adam) sin entered into the world...." so we are all imperfect sinful humans to begin with. The scripture JOhn 3:16 states " For God loved the world so much that he gave his only begotten son, in order that everyone EXERCISING faith in him shall not be destroyed but have everlasting life."
God knows your soul, God knows if your geniune in your daily thoughts and actions. God also knows that we are all sinners and fall short of his glory. The key is being a believer in Christ and God Almighty, through that alone you are saved. ALL of us commit sins through actions and thoughts alone more than 1000 times a day and if we died before we could ask for forgiveness of each one I do not believe God sends you to Hell because you didnt have time to ask for forgiveness.

Having everlasting life in heaven is easy, its not complicated at all. Simply believe, we are all continually being molded into the person God wants us to be, his hands as long as you allow, are constantly upon us giving us the hope and desire to be better then we were the day before.

Dear Ol Friend

I try to always look at the positive side of things, find the joy in the bad day.
But dont fool that with "Jamie is always happy go lucky" I do have my pity parties dancing in my head, I just choose to not share them with others all too often. It doesnt take me long to check and balance my worries and my depressed thoughts.... something Ive learned to do as a young child. I think I like to blog because I can really get out my sad thougts... so here it goes.

I really think Im a awesome person. Not in a concieded way but in the true definition. Im loyal til it comes to the end. I will give you the shirt off my back even if its the only one I have left. Im sincere in things that I do and things that I say. I do not use people. I have class. I have ambition. I am independent. When things fall apart I do my best to be the one scrambling to put your world back together. I love with all my heart. Im open minded to people, ways of the world, views of different minds. I give compassion when others wouldnt dare to. I trust the words that people speak because I speak with the intent of being trusted. I do not need high class end of things, Im far from being a spoiled hearted person.Im spirtiualy driven. Im simple.

Im ready to be something to someone. Im ready for my rock, my glue, Im ready for that love that brings you to your knees. Im ready for the person that will only look in my eyes in a room full of others and know that Im the best thing that ever happened to them. Im ready to have the "love" that God intended woman to have.

I will not settle, I will be patient, but....Im ready to be someones "simple"

Allow Time For Your Heart To Be Quiet

I recently went on a trip to Tennessea. Me and my friend, Jackie had recently gotten in contact again and within 2 days we decided to go on a roadtrip 800+ miles away. Spur of the moment of course but well worth the trip.

In those two days I had a strong feeling that I was going to die on this trip, believing this feeling I made sure I told everyone around me how to find me if something happened. I went out of my way to leave all contact info with all close to me. At the time I wasnt sure why I had this horriable feeling but I believed it with all my heart. I was scared of this feeling, but something told me it was ok, you will find peace.

As I arrived to pick up Jackie from her house I was able to spend a few hours with her and her family before we departed on this trip. Jackie, she has always been a great person to be around. But I noticed a difference in her eyes. The only thing I could think of to make this difference was her husband. (When we were close, she was a single mom) I remember thinking, Im so happy for her to finally find true love.

As we loaded up the car and said goodbye to her family, her husband requested that we pray before our travel, and we did.

We had a long trip to our destination drove all night and finally arrived in Gatlinburg, TN. around 6:30 that morning. Our hotel wouldnt let us check in because there were no available rooms. We decided to grab breakfast at the local Shoneys to waste time. As we fixed our plates and as I was about to put a bite in my mouth, Jackie spoke up and said, lets pray first. As a adult I have never prayed in public, and sadly part of me felt embarrassed. Jackie continued with the prayer and we ate.

After our breakfast, only a short time had passed and we couldnt keep our eyes opened anymore. So we decided to suck up the cost and get a hotel. We knew we would only be sleeping for a few hours and then checking into our other hotel but we decided the money would be worth it. So we checked into a best western, slept til 3 in the afternoon and checked out so we could check in the orignal hotel. When I turned in the keys the man behind the counter asked why we were leaving so early and I explained to him why and he told me that he would refund some of our money, as he handed my card and reciept back I noticed it was for the full amount. He looked at me and said, "Yall enjoy your stay and welcome to Gods country." WOW was my thought. I told Jackie and she said, God is good.

That evening we decided to walk down to the city instead of waiting on the trolly and we had a amazing time. We rode the ski lift, went up the tower, and walked around the shops. Night had fallen and we decided it was time to get back to our hotel. As we walked towards the hotel, the crowds were diminishing and this part of the town was quiet. Hardly any traffic and people on foot. In front of us walking our way was 3 guys, I looked at Jackie and made sure she was aware of what was coming our way. Jackie said, Its okay. We noticed one of the guys had bent down to tie his shoe, and we could tell he was taking his time as we slowly approached and his two friends were just starring. Jackie said, its ok. We walked by and Jackie said, hi how you with a smile. As we passed I glanced over my shoulder and one of the guys turned around and started walking our way, I let Jackie know and she said ITS OK. A few moments later, I glanced over my shoulder and sure enough, no men in sight and we were right at our hotel.

The next day we continued our sight seeing in the mountains, we stopped off to zip line through the mountains. This was an amazing adventure. I was terrified but so glad I did it.

We made our way to Cades Cove. 11 mile drive that takes you to the valley of the mountains. Nothing but meadow and mountain landscape. One spot we came to we decided to get out of the vechile and just sit in the meadow for a lil while.

In this meadow, something AMAZING happened to me. I felt an overwhelming calm come over my heart. I felt arms wrap around me. I heard the voice that said, come home, lay your worries on me. I heard the voice reassure me that I was going to be ok. I wasnt scared, I didnt run for the hills, I stayed still and I listened. God spoke to my heart, God broke my stone heart and replaced it with a new heart in that meadow. My old self died in that meadow and I was born again. No words can explain the true experience I had, all I can say was that it was AMAZING.

For the past months I have felt God pulling on me but I just would never allow my heart to be quiet. To listen to what he had to say. I felt I never had the time to allow my heart to be quiet.

In that meadow, this trip allowed me to be quiet. Some people might say, that God found me in that meadow but I say no, I found God. God has always been with me tugging on my heart. But in this trip in the mist of being quiet I finally heard God, felt GOD. In being quiet, letting my heart be still I heard him clearly, I didnt think, maybe it was just me. No there is no doubt that this was GOD.

I realized the feeling I had before this trip was God telling me that I was going to die, my old spirit was going to die. I just didnt listen, I thought it was the end of me. I believe God allowed this trip to happen because he knew that this was the only way I would listen, the only way I would allow my heart to be quiet. I believe God chose Jackie as my travel partner to show me that having a close relationship with God is possiable and to show me the true happiness that comes with walking with God. Jackie was a example to me from God. Jackie, is patient with life, people, and words. As is God. When you see Jackie and when you hear Jackie you know God is forefront in her life. She is truly close with God and that shines through her soul.

Some people might say, well maybe you think you had this experience because of what Jackie said to you or blah blah. But I tell you. All that Jackie did on that trip was Pray in front of me. She did not talk about her walk with God during the stay in TN. On our way home, as we crossed the ARK. line me and Jackie did start talking about the bible and our life with God. This took place after I found God. As I heard her testament, I realized that the true love she found was not her husband but it was GOD.

Im thankful for my friend Jackie, for not showing me the way to God, but for showing me life with God.

I thank God for allowing me to be at a place where I could listen. Dont get me wrong, I dont think that a trip across country is the only way you can hear God. Im saying God knew this is what I needed. It taught me that in order to hear God you must be quiet within your soul. I will always make time to be quiet and to listen more carefully.

I know some people think that maybe I shouldnt have takin this trip because of my job and finances but I believe it was Gods will.

I know my walk with God will not be easy, I know the worldly way will step up its game and try to bring me back down. I know my relationship with God will be tested as all relationships are. But I know deep in my heart, the test I will come across I will beable to cross. I know I wont fall because God is there to catch me and show me the light. I know I will walk through the darkness but with God beside me he will shine the light to see me through. I know that the worries of my mind are no longer carried solely by me but shared with God. I know God.

God is good

My last post was in July and time has flown. It is now December and the main goals I had in my last post I have not met yet. The old me would have beat myself up over it and spiraled into a deep depression. Not the new me. Why you ask? Well because the smaller goals I had in mind are now taking place. I have enrolled in college, I will start in January and Im extremely excited. Finacially Im seeing a lil progress after hitting rock bottom. My child is stable, Im stable, my relationship is stable.... Life has gotten better. This past summer I really felt I was hitting rock bottom and I believe I did emotionally. I shut out alot of people in my life, I felt I needed to. Like I have said in past post I depended on people around me to be my rock to pull me from my struggles. I didnt want that anymore. I knew that what I was going through in my life was something I never experienced in my life before, I knew that I couldnt rely on people to keep saving me. So what happened was my brain, my personalities went on a war pathe with eachother. It was something I wouldnt change if offered. Even though it sucked and I spent alot of days and nights crying and really thinking of running away, I made it through. I conquered my mental instability. I came out stronger. I came out more Independant then how I started. I do not rely on people to make me happy anymore, its not their duty. I make myself happy, sad, etc. I wake up in the morning and decide what mood Im gonna be in even if a bad day is on the horizon. The one person I believe I need to thank for this is GOD. I believe that this was his test. And I passed. I believe it was a wake up call and trust me I finally answered and realize that he needs to be my daily focus and then my family.

What a life experience these past few months have been. Im excited to see whats around the corner.

New Years In July

So Im thinking that my New Years is in July. Last year I made major changes in my life including: setting out on my own and losing weight. Ive written about this past year in a earlier blog so Im not going to rehash all of that. I will say that in the past 4 or so months I have slipped on my coke habits but it is now July, My New Year and I will control my intake of such bad products. My second goal is to give up smoking. O I hope this is possiable. My third goal is to start working out. Because of my weightloss I have flabby skin that desperately needs to be handled up on. My fourth goal is to lose atleast 2 more pant sizes. My fifth goal is to save my money and plan for my future, I really want to get to a point where I can build a home that I am proud of and also that reflects my style and art mind. These are goals that I have set that are considered my long term, life changing goals.

I have many many tiny goals that I have set.
I would love to get into reading like I once was and of course back to my photography.

I want to return to the kitchen with new and healthy recipes.

All in time.. Lets bring on the New Year!

Piece Of The Rainbow

This year has been a pretty crazy year. Diffently different from the ones of the past.

This year has been about endings and beginings, firsts and lasts, dos and donts.
My husband and I split up almost a year ago. We were together for 12 years total. We have a beautiful daughter together and we shared alot of wonderful memories.

Ive never really been on my own perse, so this year I feel like I have grown up alot
as well as make alot of mistakes that I normally wouldnt make. Its all a learning process right? I feel like Im coming into my own, something I should have done in my early 20's but I guess Im a late bloomer.
I dont know the future, I dont know what path I will follow or which one I will run from. I just hope that I continue to push forward and make the right decisions. I hope that my husband finds happiness because I know he deserves it.
I hope that my daughter will find peace with the decisions that I have made that will obviously affect her life. I hope she finds forgiveness and understanding in the fact that her parents are no longer together. I hope me and her dad can remain lifetime friends.
I hope that the friends I no longer have are just as forgiving.
I hope that my family will also find understanding and forgiveness.
I have started a new job, a job that I can actually say is a REAL JOB. Nice pay,great hours, and great people to work with. Something Ive never done. Ive never been self-suffiecint... Let me tell you it feels wonderful to provide for yourself and take pride in it. I should have done this long ago, Sorry Jeremey. I should have helped on the money front.

Change, that is what this year has been about. For the good and the bad.. Hopefully it will continue to be for the good and happiness will rain upon all of the people i have ran from and hurt this past year. Including myself.We all deserve a piece of the rainbow.

Emotions

scared is a word that can descibe all different emotions.
scared of the dark
scared of the future
scared of death
scared of love
scared of life

were all terrified of something.
but the question is, how must one embrass and love this feeling
that consumes our thoughts.
I honestly believe that when you are scared you are living.
you are feeling the magic and mysteries of this world.
when you become comfortable in your surroundings, when you become fearless
of your decisions and what life throws at you there is no meaning or lesson left for you to have.
being scared means your alive.

It was just hidden

As a child my life was unfair, hateful, degrading.
As a child i was used, unsafe, abused, neglected.

As a teenager i was lost, scared, rebillous.
As a teenager i leaped from my nightmare as a child
and threw myself into a relationship that i obsessedly
wanted.

In my past its always been one extreme or another.
never have i just been me. Never have i allowed myself
to just be happy with who i am, what ive overcome, and
what i still battle with on a personal level. not until
the day i decided i was making a choice for me and me alone.

i guess you can say in some ways that yes i did use people.
looking back at it today, i can see that. during those times
i wasnt doing it intentially. i was counting on those people
to make me ok, to get me through the next phase of my life.
the only person that can make me ok and get me through my life
is myself. the people who come into my life now and here on out
will just be the company that walks with me.

Im alive now, Im self sufficient now. I count on myself
to get me up in the mornings and put my head on the pillow at night
i am worthy now. I feel worth something now and all this time that feeling was lying
right inside of me.

Now I know I can love fully, I can give more of myself to my other half
I know now that love is a want and a need.Not just the need.
I know now because Im happy with myself, that Im fully capable of making
him just as happy as I am.

Without even knowing it this one guy has opened my eyes
to things that should matter and close my eyes to things that shouldnt.

I never thought love could feel like this.Yes Ive loved others, but
this I know in the depths of my heart that this is the real deal.
Because of my past ive not allowed many people to cross my line.
in all honesty the only people i have allowed to cross that line are my sisters.
Some way or another this man saw no line or he had a running leap.

Second Chance.

Its been awhile since Ive set and wrote about the things happening around me.I love to write and usually it comes to me so easy, but lately my mind has been boggled over life,love,and feelings. Hopefully my mind will allow the words to flow off my tongue easily.

Ive been told by people that I should really consider help for myself due tomy recent decisions that effect the rest of my life. Im considered by others as anunstable loose cannon. I understand the concerns that others have. I would like to say this in response to my fellow worriers.

My recent decisions I have made have been thought through, it has been a long time coming.You say Im crazy for just getting up and walking out and not looking back. But I have had awhile to accept the change, to know that this is something I had to do to be on my pursuit of happiness. What is shocking to the outside is simply that. Your the outside. You do not know what happens behind closed doors and closed hearts. It was not a decision made of hast.Yes, I was wrong for not communicating my thoughts and feelings. Yes, I was wrong for pretendingto everyone that my life was glorious.Lines of communication was cut in half along time ago,and I take full responsiablty for that. I did not let go easily regardless of what you think.


I have lived a hard life. I have gone through more things in my short lifetime that noothers will ever experience. So yes, call me mental.But unstable? hardly not.I know right from wrong, I know when my mind is overloaded and over the years I have learned to handle it behind the walls of my heart. Im a strong minded individual, I know when to let my guard down and I know when to throw it up. I do not use my past as a excuse for my mental short comings, Its simply part of who I am.

We are all mental in our ways, we all have issues that we fight with on a day to day basis.Its how we overcome our shortcomings that make us different from the people in a straight jacket.And theres no straight jacket in my future.So please do not judge me when I deal with mine in a way that you do not understand.

My glass was half empty and now its on its way of being more than half full.

Im going to be ok,Im going to be happy. I have no plans of letting my screws fall out.Life is to precisious to me to just throw my hands up and ruin 27 years of hard fucking work.I have to much pride in myself to just let life throw me down and keep me down and I have a littlegirl that calls me mommy, that adores, me and counts on me.
Thank you guys for the concerns :)

Closing a lengthy memoriable chapter.

Nothing is for certain. Nothing is forever. Life is full of triumphants and dissappointments. Nothing stays the same. Maybe this is why people change, people look for something different. If things around us are constantly changing doesnt that make it inevitable that we as people will want to change just as well?

To confess the truth of ones feelings is like a stab in the heart.

I do not regret my past, I do not regret my present, I will not regret my future.

The last 12 years of my life have been ups and downs. It has been a experience, a chapter in my life that I will always hold dear to my heart.I feel no resentment, no regrets,no hatered.
I will carry with me the memories of what was. Nothing can steal that away from me.

New Seasoning Just Adds A New Flavor To The Soul!

About 2 weeks ago I picked up yoga and meditation from a friend. 2 weeks straight I have found myself everymorning pushing through aches and pains of my oh so tightened muscles and accomplishing more than just an hour and a half of rapid heartbeats. Ive noticed my mind is more focused, less confused of whats goin on around me. Ive even got a little witty charm back.
I smile more, and most of all Im loving myself! Something I havent done in a really long time.
Ive mended some friendships that diffently needed mending. Im on a path to bliss. How corny is that? As it maybe I welcome this bliss. I love all my dear friends that I have. But there are 3 that stand out the most. You 3 people have influenced my change and my ability to let the past be the past. Also that its okay to be wierd, to be me. Even though I get complicated YOU still accept me for all that I am.
Tara, we go wayyyyy back. Weve literally have had our up and downs.Someway we always find that our friendship has no bounds. You show me that in a world of caious?(lol) that if you look inside yourself there is the calm to get you through the day.I will always be true to myself because of you. Because of you I will always stand for what I believe in no matter if its the popular thing to do. You inspire me!!
Leland, Im happy that the internet has brought us into eachothers life. You are the big brother I never had. Through all my silly rantings and babbles you always make me laugh. In your quietness you say soooo much. I think thats why we relate to eachother so well. You made me realize that its not wrong to be the one with the less words. Its actually smarter to be that person. You have helped me be comfortable in a room full of noise. And to Love being WEIRD.You also inspire me!!
Leslie, you have diffently helped me see that there is always a brighterside. No matter if the storm is here for weeks or just a minute.Our friendship has been tested through some tough things and we always push through them. You make me want to stand tall and love myself deeper than I ever have before. You have diffently made me believe that I am worth something. You also inspire me!!
I know some people will think that its weird that these 3 people have influenced me the most... but I have my little family that diffently bring their own encouragment and reasons to better me.. But I just think its simply amazing that I have 3 people outside my little house that can impact my life just as much as my family does. Tara, Leland, and Leslie never havet to knock on my front door. THey are my family.

Fantasy and Child like Tendencys

What A great 2 weeks! Well there was 2 days that was just absolutely dreadful but the cause was me and Im at peace with that now. I hope all will be healed from the heartache I caused.

But the reason why I say its been a great 2 weeks is because Macy has made alot of new friends, and their all girls! Go figure! The suns been out, we come home from school and were headed out the door. I usually play with Macy for about 30-40 min before the neighborhood kids walk their way through the fence and engage Macy into a funfilled evening. (It makes a mother happy)

Yesterday Macy wanted to play archealogist and the knight(saver of the lost world) being the knight as the saver. When she was getting her gear together her friend from down the street came over and they decided to play knight and queen. (I was the queen)

Were outside Macy has her gold apron dress up costume on and the little girl has a pink dress up skirt on. I was givin a feather duster as a sword and all of a sudden I was no longer the Queen. I was the intruder of the Anderson kingdom and they were the princesses trying to save it.

(they also had swords,sticks) I felt like I was putting on a pretty good fight. I had Princess Rutobaga(Macy), at least I thought until she annouced that she had special healing powers. And Princess Pickel Nose(neighbor girl) was stricking me cutting my arms and legs. It was painful. But shortly after Princess Rutobaga snuck up from behind and got me right in the kisser. I was defeated and I fell to my death, but of course this did not satisfy Princess Rutobaga. She took my own sword and beheaded me. Oh yeah and the Kingdom dragon was our dog edward.He too decided to use his special licking powers as I was laying on the ground after being defeated.

Once we were done with that scenerio we quickly moved into Playing Princesses and Queens. Of course me being Queen. It was the best day I think Ive had in a really long time. Ive always played pretend with Macy but not really to that extent, what I mean by that is.. I never really allowed myself to be the character that Macy wanted me to be. Yesterday I did.

After supper (the neighbor girl ate with us) the other 2 girls from down the street came over. They were outside playing and well I just didnt get enough of being outside and amongest the kids so I told them we were gonna play kickball. We played and had a great time doing that. Macy of course taunted me the whole time, (shes mean) we also played dodgeball and soccer and we were about to play baseball but the kids parents called them home around 730.

All in all it was a great DAY and great 2 weeks! Hours and hours of playing and feeling like a child. No worries of a grown up. You know we always say we wish we could be little again. My advice is.. get out there and play your favorite childhood games, with the kids. You will feel like a kid. And its funny when all the other kids are just weirded out by an adult participating. They couldnt stop laughing at me. They werent bein mean, just enthused that an adult would allow oneself to be childlike also!

"A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know."Diane Arbus

If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera. ~Lewis Hine