Emotions

scared is a word that can descibe all different emotions.
scared of the dark
scared of the future
scared of death
scared of love
scared of life

were all terrified of something.
but the question is, how must one embrass and love this feeling
that consumes our thoughts.
I honestly believe that when you are scared you are living.
you are feeling the magic and mysteries of this world.
when you become comfortable in your surroundings, when you become fearless
of your decisions and what life throws at you there is no meaning or lesson left for you to have.
being scared means your alive.

It was just hidden

As a child my life was unfair, hateful, degrading.
As a child i was used, unsafe, abused, neglected.

As a teenager i was lost, scared, rebillous.
As a teenager i leaped from my nightmare as a child
and threw myself into a relationship that i obsessedly
wanted.

In my past its always been one extreme or another.
never have i just been me. Never have i allowed myself
to just be happy with who i am, what ive overcome, and
what i still battle with on a personal level. not until
the day i decided i was making a choice for me and me alone.

i guess you can say in some ways that yes i did use people.
looking back at it today, i can see that. during those times
i wasnt doing it intentially. i was counting on those people
to make me ok, to get me through the next phase of my life.
the only person that can make me ok and get me through my life
is myself. the people who come into my life now and here on out
will just be the company that walks with me.

Im alive now, Im self sufficient now. I count on myself
to get me up in the mornings and put my head on the pillow at night
i am worthy now. I feel worth something now and all this time that feeling was lying
right inside of me.

Now I know I can love fully, I can give more of myself to my other half
I know now that love is a want and a need.Not just the need.
I know now because Im happy with myself, that Im fully capable of making
him just as happy as I am.

Without even knowing it this one guy has opened my eyes
to things that should matter and close my eyes to things that shouldnt.

I never thought love could feel like this.Yes Ive loved others, but
this I know in the depths of my heart that this is the real deal.
Because of my past ive not allowed many people to cross my line.
in all honesty the only people i have allowed to cross that line are my sisters.
Some way or another this man saw no line or he had a running leap.

Second Chance.

Its been awhile since Ive set and wrote about the things happening around me.I love to write and usually it comes to me so easy, but lately my mind has been boggled over life,love,and feelings. Hopefully my mind will allow the words to flow off my tongue easily.

Ive been told by people that I should really consider help for myself due tomy recent decisions that effect the rest of my life. Im considered by others as anunstable loose cannon. I understand the concerns that others have. I would like to say this in response to my fellow worriers.

My recent decisions I have made have been thought through, it has been a long time coming.You say Im crazy for just getting up and walking out and not looking back. But I have had awhile to accept the change, to know that this is something I had to do to be on my pursuit of happiness. What is shocking to the outside is simply that. Your the outside. You do not know what happens behind closed doors and closed hearts. It was not a decision made of hast.Yes, I was wrong for not communicating my thoughts and feelings. Yes, I was wrong for pretendingto everyone that my life was glorious.Lines of communication was cut in half along time ago,and I take full responsiablty for that. I did not let go easily regardless of what you think.


I have lived a hard life. I have gone through more things in my short lifetime that noothers will ever experience. So yes, call me mental.But unstable? hardly not.I know right from wrong, I know when my mind is overloaded and over the years I have learned to handle it behind the walls of my heart. Im a strong minded individual, I know when to let my guard down and I know when to throw it up. I do not use my past as a excuse for my mental short comings, Its simply part of who I am.

We are all mental in our ways, we all have issues that we fight with on a day to day basis.Its how we overcome our shortcomings that make us different from the people in a straight jacket.And theres no straight jacket in my future.So please do not judge me when I deal with mine in a way that you do not understand.

My glass was half empty and now its on its way of being more than half full.

Im going to be ok,Im going to be happy. I have no plans of letting my screws fall out.Life is to precisious to me to just throw my hands up and ruin 27 years of hard fucking work.I have to much pride in myself to just let life throw me down and keep me down and I have a littlegirl that calls me mommy, that adores, me and counts on me.
Thank you guys for the concerns :)

Closing a lengthy memoriable chapter.

Nothing is for certain. Nothing is forever. Life is full of triumphants and dissappointments. Nothing stays the same. Maybe this is why people change, people look for something different. If things around us are constantly changing doesnt that make it inevitable that we as people will want to change just as well?

To confess the truth of ones feelings is like a stab in the heart.

I do not regret my past, I do not regret my present, I will not regret my future.

The last 12 years of my life have been ups and downs. It has been a experience, a chapter in my life that I will always hold dear to my heart.I feel no resentment, no regrets,no hatered.
I will carry with me the memories of what was. Nothing can steal that away from me.

New Seasoning Just Adds A New Flavor To The Soul!

About 2 weeks ago I picked up yoga and meditation from a friend. 2 weeks straight I have found myself everymorning pushing through aches and pains of my oh so tightened muscles and accomplishing more than just an hour and a half of rapid heartbeats. Ive noticed my mind is more focused, less confused of whats goin on around me. Ive even got a little witty charm back.
I smile more, and most of all Im loving myself! Something I havent done in a really long time.
Ive mended some friendships that diffently needed mending. Im on a path to bliss. How corny is that? As it maybe I welcome this bliss. I love all my dear friends that I have. But there are 3 that stand out the most. You 3 people have influenced my change and my ability to let the past be the past. Also that its okay to be wierd, to be me. Even though I get complicated YOU still accept me for all that I am.
Tara, we go wayyyyy back. Weve literally have had our up and downs.Someway we always find that our friendship has no bounds. You show me that in a world of caious?(lol) that if you look inside yourself there is the calm to get you through the day.I will always be true to myself because of you. Because of you I will always stand for what I believe in no matter if its the popular thing to do. You inspire me!!
Leland, Im happy that the internet has brought us into eachothers life. You are the big brother I never had. Through all my silly rantings and babbles you always make me laugh. In your quietness you say soooo much. I think thats why we relate to eachother so well. You made me realize that its not wrong to be the one with the less words. Its actually smarter to be that person. You have helped me be comfortable in a room full of noise. And to Love being WEIRD.You also inspire me!!
Leslie, you have diffently helped me see that there is always a brighterside. No matter if the storm is here for weeks or just a minute.Our friendship has been tested through some tough things and we always push through them. You make me want to stand tall and love myself deeper than I ever have before. You have diffently made me believe that I am worth something. You also inspire me!!
I know some people will think that its weird that these 3 people have influenced me the most... but I have my little family that diffently bring their own encouragment and reasons to better me.. But I just think its simply amazing that I have 3 people outside my little house that can impact my life just as much as my family does. Tara, Leland, and Leslie never havet to knock on my front door. THey are my family.

Fantasy and Child like Tendencys

What A great 2 weeks! Well there was 2 days that was just absolutely dreadful but the cause was me and Im at peace with that now. I hope all will be healed from the heartache I caused.

But the reason why I say its been a great 2 weeks is because Macy has made alot of new friends, and their all girls! Go figure! The suns been out, we come home from school and were headed out the door. I usually play with Macy for about 30-40 min before the neighborhood kids walk their way through the fence and engage Macy into a funfilled evening. (It makes a mother happy)

Yesterday Macy wanted to play archealogist and the knight(saver of the lost world) being the knight as the saver. When she was getting her gear together her friend from down the street came over and they decided to play knight and queen. (I was the queen)

Were outside Macy has her gold apron dress up costume on and the little girl has a pink dress up skirt on. I was givin a feather duster as a sword and all of a sudden I was no longer the Queen. I was the intruder of the Anderson kingdom and they were the princesses trying to save it.

(they also had swords,sticks) I felt like I was putting on a pretty good fight. I had Princess Rutobaga(Macy), at least I thought until she annouced that she had special healing powers. And Princess Pickel Nose(neighbor girl) was stricking me cutting my arms and legs. It was painful. But shortly after Princess Rutobaga snuck up from behind and got me right in the kisser. I was defeated and I fell to my death, but of course this did not satisfy Princess Rutobaga. She took my own sword and beheaded me. Oh yeah and the Kingdom dragon was our dog edward.He too decided to use his special licking powers as I was laying on the ground after being defeated.

Once we were done with that scenerio we quickly moved into Playing Princesses and Queens. Of course me being Queen. It was the best day I think Ive had in a really long time. Ive always played pretend with Macy but not really to that extent, what I mean by that is.. I never really allowed myself to be the character that Macy wanted me to be. Yesterday I did.

After supper (the neighbor girl ate with us) the other 2 girls from down the street came over. They were outside playing and well I just didnt get enough of being outside and amongest the kids so I told them we were gonna play kickball. We played and had a great time doing that. Macy of course taunted me the whole time, (shes mean) we also played dodgeball and soccer and we were about to play baseball but the kids parents called them home around 730.

All in all it was a great DAY and great 2 weeks! Hours and hours of playing and feeling like a child. No worries of a grown up. You know we always say we wish we could be little again. My advice is.. get out there and play your favorite childhood games, with the kids. You will feel like a kid. And its funny when all the other kids are just weirded out by an adult participating. They couldnt stop laughing at me. They werent bein mean, just enthused that an adult would allow oneself to be childlike also!

"A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know."Diane Arbus

If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera. ~Lewis Hine

Photograph Titles: Fate, Harbinger and The Prey

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability....To be alive is to be vulnerable."
Madeleine L' Engle


Crow symbolizes-Messanger
Vulture symbolizes-Fate





I love photographing the black birds. Im not exactly sure why I enjoy it, Im terrified of birds, Their unpredicatable and fast.Maybe I welcome the vulnerable feeling, My heart excelerating, my blood rushing through my veins. Allowing myself to be weak in their presence. Their beautiful creatures, but creatures to be feared.





No song this time.

Once Lost

Im a christian, Im not ashamed to say Im a christian. I have lost my way a few times, Ive questioned God a few times. It all comes back to faith. I believe that one hast to believe in something more powerful than themselves. If not its just argoance.


So many times have I heard people say,including myself, If there was a God then why is he allowing evil to prey upon the innocent. ( my molester was a preacher, still a preacher)

God created us, not so we would be made to serve him, but he allowed us to make a choice. He wanted us to have free will.

Everyone is given their share of test,heartache, obstacles. Its our choice to go alone or to share the hand of God through our tribulations.

If you spoil a child, if you protect them from all wrongs of the world, when they experience something beyond their control, whatever it may be, they will crumble. Everyone must have Perserverance.

"He who endures to the end shall be saved." Matthew 24:13

"More that , we rejoice in our suffering knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character,and character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4

"Be still before the Lord and wait patientily for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land." Psalm 37:7-9

Understanding Gods motives and his plans are something that we as humans cant possiably ever figure out. I say this because, how can people like us, simple minded folks understand something or wrap our minds around something that is 100x greater than ourselves. This is where faith comes in. You must have faith that God will conquer, God will save, God does exist.

"Faith is the assuarance of things hoped for,the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

I could go on and on about this subject. I have different views than most christians. Everyone has their own interpurtions of the scripture, which makes it hard for all people to believe what one person says about christianity. I believe if you have the spirit of God, the faith in God you will read like God meant it to be read. You dont havet to go to school to understand. Never take a preachers word for what this book says. Believe in God and you will understand the true meanings. One day I will write again on this subject.

My favorite hymnal--

Victory In Jesus

I heard an old, old story,

How a Savior came from glory,

How He gave His life on Calvary

To save a wretch like me;

I heard about His groaning,

Of His precious blood's atoning,

Then I repented of my sins

And won the victory.
O victory in Jesus,

My Savior, forever.

He sought me and bought me

With His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him

And all my love is due Him,

He plunged me to victory,

Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about His healing,

Of His cleansing pow'r revealing.

How He made the lame to walk again

And caused the blind to see;

And then I cried,

"Dear Jesus,Come and heal my broken spirit,

"And somehow Jesus came and bro't

To me the victory.
O victory in Jesus,

My Savior, forever.

He sought me and bought me

With His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him

And all my love is due Him,

He plunged me to victory,

Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about a mansion

He has built for me in glory.

And I heard about the streets of gold

Beyond the crystal sea;

About the angels singing,

And the old redemption story,

And some sweet day I'll sing up there

The song of victory.

Photograph Title: Barb

"As I was looking through the view finder I was thinking of myself. I saw the barn in the distance and I realized it wasnt in focus, but the barb was.
Im the barb, Im clear on who I am, where Ive been, but my future is not clear. I diffently have the site of it but not the clarity of it."







Im a random person. I have ideas every 30 sec. running through my head. Awkardly they all fall in the same line of work. I know where I want to go, I know what I want to do with the remaining part of my life.I see it, but its out of focus, I have no clue how to achieve these goals. I dont know what path to take.

I realize Im not your normal girl next door. Im a strong person, but fragile in so many ways. I guard myself from people and my own ideas, to the point that I hurt my own ambitions and the people that surround me.

What I want from my life, is the ability to share my photographs. I do not care to be famous, I just want my work to be known. I want my work to make people feel something, something they have never allowed themselves to feel. I want to walk into a book store and see my work on a shelf or walk into a gallery and see my work hanging on the wall. Like I said, I dont want to be famous. I want my work to be.

I want to share my story of my life. I want show people that there is calm after the storm. Sure you still have your battles, but their simply little earthquakes compared to the monsterous acts of a man. Rather its someone toying with your mind and body, or simply not having a father to call dad. (You get the point)

I want to travel... I want to photograph this amazing world we live in.

I know Im a mom and wife. And I have every intention on doing my best to keep them grounded,sain, happy. This I will never be unfocused about.

But when Im ready to leave this world. I want to be ready, I dont want to leave unfinished goals behind. I want to embrace my death, not mourn it. I want these things for me, I want to say " Yes I have accomplished in my ambitions. I have pushed through heartache after heartache. Ive accomplished mothering and being a wife. I have made my darkest moments my strength. Ive found my meaning in this life."

Elvis: If I can Dream

There must be lights burning brighter somewhere

Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue

If I can dream of a better land

Where all my brothers walk hand in hand

Tell me why, oh why, oh why cant my dream come true

There must be peace and understanding sometime

Strong winds of promise that will blow away

All the doubt and fear

If I can dream of a warmer sun

Where hope keeps shining on everyone

Tell me why, oh why, oh why wont that sun appear

Were lost in a cloud

With too much rain

Were trapped in a world

Thats troubled with pain

But as long as a man

Has the strength to dream

He can redeem his soul and fly

Deep in my heart theres a trembling question

Still I am sure that the answer gonna come somehow

Out there in the dark, theres a beckoning candle

And while I can think, while I can talk

While I can stand, while I can walk

While I can dream, please let my dream

Come true, right now

Let it come true right now

Oh yeah

Photograph Title: RavenStone

This picture was taken on a foggy monday morning.

I remember driving in this cemetery and I spotted these 2 birds playing on this monument and thinking to myslef.

"dancing on the doorsteps of death."

Ive been ready or at least thought I was ready for the death several times in my life. But i know now that there are important things that I havet to do first. So instead of waiting for death, I will dance on the doorsteps.


When I was 14 I believe, I locked myself in the bathroom and decided I wanted to end my life. I wasnt trying to get attention, I truly didnt care if I lived or died and I was okay with that. My short life had taken such a toll on my mind and body, it just seemed the better way, the easier way. We moved every 6 months to new places, there might have been a year that we stayed in one place but not often. Friends werent exactly in the agenda. Why make friends when you will be leaving shortly? Being a new kid in school was always hard espeacially when your carrying a huge load of secerts on your back, your not gonna be the open type. So the bulling and names was something I would never beable to avoid. So when I was closer to 13 I believe, it might have been 12 . I started starving myself. It wasnt about being fat or thinking I was fat. It was the only thing in my life I could control. Everything around me was falling apart, my home, my relationships with family, my mom wasnt the best at listening or understanding.
This is the one thing I could stop,the one thing I could enjoy of my punishment for existing. I really dont remember the start of it. It just happened over time and slowly became to eating at the most 6 spoonfulls of something. If I noticed anyone was catching on of course I would just suck it up and eat enough to show I was okay, but of course I made myself pay for it later.
I started rambling, but I just wanted to point out a few other reasons for attempted suicide.
I remember I had the phone in the bathroom with me just in case anyone called, my mother wouldnt be disturbed and start looking for me. I took pills, I cant remember what I took but it was alot, at least I thought it would be enough to do the job. After I swallowed the pills, I was sitting in the corner. Praying for God to forgive me, if there was a God. My uncle kinda shattered my belief system. I dont think I ever lost the belief but it was diffentely questioned in so many ways.
The phone was ringing, I would hang it up real quick. I didnt want anyone to know. I just wanted to go and I didnt think about after I left this world behind. About the 10th call I decided to answer, anything to make the phone stop before my mother would start wandering around trying to find out what was going on. It was my older sister, I remember her asking me a question," J are you ok?" Then at that moment my tongue had decieved me and my soul. I started crying and I told her what I did. She wanted to talk to my mom and I wouldnt let her, because at this point I was ashamed at what I almost accomplished. The next thing I remember is my Aunt and my mom beating on the bathroom door trying to get in, the whole time Im just up against the wall, terrified of what was behind that door, terrified of what could be coming to me at anytime. In that instance I realized I wasnt a quieter, I didnt want to die. I ran for the door and we headed for the hospital. Later that night they sent me to a "mental" hospital I cant remember how long I was there for but I know it felt like it was forever. I had to always have a nurse with me when I went to the bathroom and when I ate. Because to them they thought that this was my only problem. I did not dare speak of my uncle and his actions.



When I was 7 months pregnant I went in for a doctor visit, and within 30 min. I was in the hospital with tubes and needles coming out of my body. I had preeclampia, hypertension, severe toxima. My child was going to be born within the week they told me. They wanted to keep the baby inside my stomach as long as possiable, without danger to me or the baby.
I had to stay on my right side. This was the only way my blood pressure would come down to 115(the bottom number.) Yes thats high, but for the circumstances it was low. When I would move or if someone talked to me it would spike to 130. It had to be total darkness in my room also.
The next morning, I started having heartburn, at least thats what it felt like. I also started losing my vision. So they decided that it was best for the baby to come that day. I remember laying on my side, darkness in the room darkness in my head, pain running through my body. I was praying to God to just let me die, save my baby. I was begging, I couldnt believe that I was giving up that easy, but if one of us had to go I wanted to be the one. They rolled me in the operating room straping my head and hands down. I remember the brightness but I couldnt see anything. I could hear people around me talking. I felt the knife at my stomach and I realized that my husband was not there with me. They told me that he couldnt be back there because of the things they had to do to the baby, they didnt want him to react in a way that would prevent saving it.
They pulled this baby out. I heard it cry and it was the sweetest sound that my ears have ever heard. In that moment I realized that it might be the last sound of this stranger . In that split second, my emotions did a 180. I didnt care anymore, I didnt want to see, I didnt want to touch. My whole self went numb.
After a week in my hospital, my vision was slowly coming back, my speech was more tolerable. I was finally allowed to go across town to the other hospital to see my daughter.
When I walked in, my husband was standing beside her bed. They rolled me to her. Nothing, I felt nothing, my husband tried to get me to talk to her and touch her. I didnt, there was no draw to her, I felt nothing. Oh man did this scare me. I was suppose to want my child, to hold her to cry for her.There was nothing, no emotion what so ever. I had only 30 min. before I had to go back to my hospital.
When I was finally released for good, I went to my baby. They gave me a room to stay in while she stayed in the nicu. Yes finally that connection was there. The only explanation I have for my feelings. Once she was taken from my body and I realized that I was okay. That I was going to survive this. I new that she would be the one to leave this world. That first cry I heard shut every part of my emotions down. I really believe that my mind was preparing me for a loss, and the only way I new how to do that was to be distant. As long as I wasnt close or felt her then there would be no way this would hurt me. I thank GOD that she did not leave us. Looking at how I handled it, It would have destroyed me. Instead of accepting a possiable few hours I decided to have none.
I was selfish In both Pleas with God!

U2: Walk On

And love is not the easy thing

The only baggage you can bring...

And love is not the easy thing...

The only baggage you can bring

Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart

And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off

And if your glass heart should crack

And for a second you turn back

Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on

What you got they can�t steal it

No they can�t even feel it

Walk on, walk on...

Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been

A place that has to be believed to be seen

You could have flown away

A singing bird in an open cage

Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on

What you've got they can't deny it

Can�t sell it, can�t buy it

Walk on, walk on

Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches

And your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on Home...

hard to know what it is if you�ve never had one

Home... I can�t say where it is but I know I'm going home

That's where the hurt is

I know it aches

How your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind

All that you reason

All that you sense

All that you speak

All you dress up

All that you scheme...

Phograph Title " We Stand Alone"

I have 2 sisters. One is 8 years older and the other is just a year younger. I love both my sisters very much. Words could not mearly be enough to describe how much.

This flower has three buds that branch off on its own. It represents me and my 2 sisters. For so long we stood alone in our little world.



When I was 2 or 3 my father had left our life to pursue his own. Growing up, mom worked a 8-5 job. My older sister immediatley became the second mother. She of course was a child herself but was shoved into adulthood way to young. I remember she would come home from school and look over me and my younger sister. Making sure our homework was done, the piece was kept between fighting lil girls. She made sure supper was on the table before our mom would walk in the door and also making sure the house was cleaned and clean cloths to wear. How such a young adolecent teen could take on so much responsiablity and not go completely insane is beyond me.
Oh yeah, sure she had her moments of rebellion but never like you see these days with teens. I do not blame my mother for this and Im sure my older sister does not either. Its what had to be done.
I admire my older sister for giving up part of her life to make sure me and my lil sister had some sort of normality in our childhood.



My younger sister is my best friend. We are very close in age so this of course is enivadiable. We havent always been the closet but weve always found our way back to eachother.



My sisters were my safe haven. We were the only ones that new what was going on in our life. Me and my older sister never really talked about it until we both grew up. My lil sister and I we would talk about it occasionally.

My uncle by Marriage, molested me and my sisters. My earliest memory of it is 3 so no telling if it happened before then. This went on till the age of 13.
Sometimes I wonder how did I allow this to go on for so long? The only answer Ive been able to come up with is... When you grow up in a certain enviroment you believe this is the way of life, that its normal. As you get older part of you starts thinking that it might not be normal, but of course by then why would you say anything? Who would believe you? Something that youve kept quiet about for so long, to even think of telling is just unimaginable. Even though you want someone to help, to stop it.

I can rememeber way too many times keeping my guard up because I didnt want my sister to have as much as I did. Being so little and immature, I never focused on why I was doing this. As years went by I realized it wasnt because I enjoyed it, it was because I didnt want her to suffer nearly as bad. It was enivatable that she would get it. But as long as I was around it wouldnt be nearly as much.
As we grew into adults, we talked about it. She herself was trying to do the same for me.

Small childern trying to be eachothers protectors. To save eachother from a monster. The monster that was chipping away every part of our abilities of being children, of having dreams, having some sort of sense of ourselves. Instead this monster redefined who we were suppose to be.. Yes some say, do not allow your struggles to define who you are, but how can you really believe that when the most defining stage of your life you had someone that you thought loved you, touch ,kiss , look at you, breathe upon you as their disposable sex toy.

My sisters are the best part of my childhood, the safest part of my childhood. I dont havet to pretend, I dont havet to hold back. They kept me alive. I really dont think they get that part.

(this doesnt even scratch the surface of my past)

Dave Matthew Band: Sister

Pass the time with you in mind

It's a rather quiet night

Feel the ground against my back

Counting stars against the black

Thinking bout another day

Wishing I was far away

Whether they were dreams or worries

You were there with me Sister,

I hear you laugh

My heart fills full up

Keep me please

Sister, when you cry I feel your tears running down my face

Sister, Sister keep me

I hope you always know its true

I would never make it through

We could make the sun go down

Just by walking away

Playing like we used to play

Our kingdom will never go away

Feel you beating in my chest

I'll be dead without

Sister, I hear you laugh

My heart fills full up

Keep me please

Sister, when you cry I feel your tears running down my face Sister,

Sister will you keep me?

I would never make it through

Hope you always know its true

You could make the heaven's fall

Just by walking away

Sister, I hear you laugh

My heart fills full up

Keep me please

Sister, when you cry I feel your tears running down my face Sister,

Sister keep me

Photograph Title: "Restraint"

When I saw this door with the wire wrapped around the knob it spoke to me, actually it yelled at me. It yells at me because from the time I remember and that would be at the age of 3, Ive been "keeping my door shut." So many secerets, so many lies are behind this door.The reasons for who I am, the makeup of my identity. The crazed life I once had to live.



Some say Im an open book, but Im not. Some think they have me figured out, but they dont.There are many layers to me. Im not saying I put up a front for people, but through my life Ive always had to shut the door and keep it shut. Ive always had to give the illusion that everything was okay. Smile and skip and while on the inside I was crying, screaming for someone to save me. I know now that the only person that can save me is myself.


Some people know part of my past, but certaintly not all of it. I once talked to a "Person" they said, "its good to talk, to tell people. Youve spent so many years bottled up."

I think I might do that. Soon. A Wire can always be broken.

Tori Amos: Silent All These Years

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?

My dog won't bite if you sit real still

I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again

Yeah, I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck

I got something to say you know but nothing comes

Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up

Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid?

In these jeans of his with her name still on it

Hey, but I don't care

'Cause sometimes

I said sometimes I hear my voice

And it's been here

Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts

What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?

Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon

How's that thought for you?

My scream got lost in a paper cup

You think there's a heaven where

Some screams have gone?

I got 25 bucks and a cracker

Do you think it's enough to get us there?

'Cause what if I'm a mermaid?

In these jeans of his with her name still on it

Hey, but I don't care 'Cause sometimes

I said sometimes I hear my voice

And it's been here

Silent all these...Years go by

Will I still be waiting

For somebody else to understand?

Years go by

If I'm stripped of my beauty

And the orange clouds raining in my head

Years go by

Will I choke on my tears

Till finally there is nothing left?

One more casualty

You know we're too easy, easy, easy Well,

I love the way we communicate

Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape

Let's hear what you think of me now

But baby don't look up

The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress

And it's your turn now to stand where I stand

Everybody lookin' at you

Here, take hold of my hand

Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid?

In these jeans of yours with her name still on it

Hey, but I don't care

'Cause sometimes

I said sometimes I hear my voice

I hear my voice

I hear my voice

And it's been here

Silent all these years

I've been here

Silent all these years

Silent all these

Silent all these years...

Photograph Title: "Exposure"

This photograph was taken last month. My daughter and I went with a friend on a photoshoot. While my friend was doing her thing with her clients, me and my daughter wondered in the wheat grass. She was pretending to be lost in the overly consuming grass and this is one photo that I got that spoke to my heart.

One of my favorite songs is by Tori Amos, "1000 Oceans"

Years ago when I first heard this song I thought it was about
Love and Loss (romantically) Now, I know everyone has
different theories on song meanings, for me this song is for my daughter. A fear I have is being so consumed with myself and
my own ideas of how things should be that I would keep my child from finding her own identity. When I was in the postion of taking this picture, the only thing I remember feeling is terror, sadness. It looked as if my child was running from my inabilities of mothering. Like she was trying to find a place to hide from all the falling razor sharp descions that I have made or will havet to make as she grows. I only hope that my mentality will not jeopardize her way of thinking or her ability of being apart of society. For this reason I will always cry a 1000 oceans.

Being a mother is hard, not so much physically but emotionally. I only hope that my own insercurties will not inhibit me from raising a strong, independant, smart girl.

These tears I've cried I've cried 1000 oceans

And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness

Well, I can't believe that I would keep

Keep you from flying

And I would cry 1000 more

If that's what it takes

To sail you home

Sail you home Sail you home

I'm aware what the rules are

But you know that I will run

You know that I will follow you

Over silbury hill

Through the solar field

You know that I will follow you

And if I find you

Will you still remeber

Playing at trains

Or does this litte blue ball

Just fade away

Over silbury hill

Through the solar field

You know that I will follow you

I'm aware what the rules are

But you know that I will run

You know that I will follow you

These tears I've cried

I've cried 1000 oceans

And if it seems

I'm floating in the darkness

Well I can't believe that I would keep

Keep you from flying

So I will cry 1000 more

If that's what it takes

To sail you home

Sail you home

Sail you home

Sail you home

What Am I doing?

I decided to start blogging about my relationship with my photographs.Ive been asked numerous times,"How did you get that shot","what were you thinking with that shot." So Im here to tell the story of my photographs.

"Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in."

Im not a great writer or speller, and I do not use punctuation like it should be intended. So please over look these errors.